*Follow My Heart*

Everything seems possible when we are small. I remembered smashing my 'chicken' shaped piggy bank to fork out 72 dollars just so I could join the school swimming lessons/club. It was the first year that my school introduce such lessons for their students. I was twelve at that time and really wanted to join these lessons. having said NO by my parents is not an option which I pondered long at that time. Nor did it make me feel sad at my parents response.

 Instead being  brave and confident to stick with my decision, I plotted my best strategy. Many things ran in my mind but not able to join the club never scared or stop me. I was optimistic. I my dropped the clay chicken figurine and in an instant I was on the floor counting coins ..mostly . It's all the saving that I had and to me there was no regret, what better occasion to spend it all at other then in the pursuit of my happiness.

This I has done without anybody knowing of course. Didn't want to risk anything so I put all the accounted fees in a plastic bag and carefully bought it to school. Earlier , I registered for the lessons without the fees, confident that I can pull it through some how and I did. Luckily the teacher didn't breath down our throat daily for it.

On the day of the first lesson, I showed up at school somehow. I walked I guess, I can't remember exactly. We had to queue before boarding the bus and I purposely was at the end of the line. That way when the teacher called out my name and the fees, no one else can know about it. With a smile and eagerness on my face and the plastic bag firm in my hands of course, I handed it over to the teacher before I boarded the bus. Of course he was wide eyed and asked me what it was, and I said the fees of course. He asked why is it mostly in coins and I said that was what I had from my savings. Oh well I said to the teacher  if he wants he can count it, it's all there. Wanting not to be late for all for this first lesson he scooted me up the bus and off we went to the swimming pool.

Hah! I made it .

But it doesn't end there. Since the swimming lessons finished late. I couldn't go home or else I could be missing my school which starts in the afternoon. Part of my earlier plan was to find a place so that I could change for school and find food for my afternoon meals. Luckily I have great friends that took me in and it was during those days that I had the best time knowing their moms as we'll. May god bless them!

This has been the routine every Thursday for that wonderful year.

I Choose

*Expression*

Believe you me that it's not easy to express one's feeling to another. It takes courage and trust. For me to share with somebody on your needs and feelings is not what i do very often. In fact i will only share some with my partner.

Perhaps the wall that surrounds this exterior is due to my past. Always guarding, making sure no one sees how i really am feeling or know what i am thinking. Putting others first has been one of the mistakes that i've made and now i'm paying the cost of having difficulty to express myself. Always putting their happiness first and sacrificing mine. I do this mainly to satisfy them, not me.

The realization came when i realized that i was going through depression. Trying to make sense of it all i bury my sorrows in books ..psychological particularly.  Didn't know it it was the right thing to do but keep on at it. One of the exercises that i had to do is plot my ups and downs in life from the time i was small up to now. 

From there i started to see what the real problem was.. ME. Its was me who allowed these sorrows to take over. It was ME who allowed others to decide. It was ME who was living in Fear and Mistakes. It was the first breakthrough in many years to understand myself.

This year my resolution is to make a conscious effort to do things that make me happy and recognize how grateful that feeling is. Say things that make me happy.  I believe if i start and stick to do this then I have CHOSEN.

Wish me luck guys ...